I’ll be honest, I never felt included in what is assumed by other Black people to be Black culture.

I’ve always felt like an outsider, even from a very young age. Before I discovered rock music or before I cared to dye my hair pink— before I thought being a musician was a viable option— I was different.

At the very basis of my being, I’m a weirdo-outsider. Everything that exists in my life I have to explain to people, as there’s nothing simple about me. I’m from West Philly, but I spoke like a suburban kid. I was really tall for my age. I liked to read instead of jumping double Dutch. I liked computers instead of sneakers. I was home schooled. I have that weird parental lineage thing going on. I started going to College when I was 13 going on 14. I even have to explain myself to people when I sneeze.

A lot of this explanation started when I was young. Most conversations were inspired by other neighborhood kids who didn’t or couldn’t understand me. I was anomaly. I was born and raised in the middle of West Philadelphia, but I spoke very, “White,” as defined by the neighbor kids. They would ask me questions while we sat on the front steps of my row-home: “Are you from the country?” “Why you talk like that?”

I always loved music. I loved music from the very beginning of my life. I would sing songs, make up songs, and sing along with whatever was playing. My mother and I had a very musical household when I was young. She would listen to music and we would dance and sing in the living room and upset the neighbors with how loud Jimi Hendrix was. I would rock the hell out in my room as a little kid to Paula, Michael and Janet. I loved MTV in the 80’s and I embraced 80’s style as a little kid. My mom let me pick out my own clothes, and I selected my own outfits in the morning. I would wear 3 pairs of different colored socks, and bright neon clothes at around 6 or 7.

As a tween and teenager, I discovered grunge and alternative rock. What a miracle! Rock music was very much a part of my life. I lived for the local Alternative Rock station, WDRE. The music was a part of my life, and I was a part of the music. I embraced the grunge culture (maybe a little too much), I wore old hand-me-down flannel given to me by my grandfather, and beat up jeans I’d had since I was 12. Nirvana, Screaming Trees, Pearl Jam, Alanis Morisette, Nine Inch Nails and eventually No Doubt became a defining factor in who I would become as an adult, at least musically.

Still, I felt like an outsider. My friends didn’t really care about music, and the music they did like was more traditionally black. Rap. Hip-hop.

Now as an adult, I am still explaining myself to people, but in a more indirect way. People don’t come out and say, “Why do you talk like that, Black Person, you are Black, that doesn’t make any sense,” or “Oh, your band isn’t some kind of soul/R&B/funk thing? That surprises me because you are Black, and Black people don’t normally do rock music.”
I listen to rock music and create rock music.

And only a few months ago, I was internally bleeding from my desire to hear more from other black rock bands. I wanted to see where the people like me were. I was exhausted from a lifelong isolation. Isolation due to who I am- Isolated from the people who are like who I am, and everyone else as well.

Then I randomly discovered Afro Punk. It was like finding Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, Moses— the Messenger of the word in which I believed came to me in the form of a Festival and website! Provided by people who looked like me. Performed by people who looked like me. Attended by people who looked like me. Hallelujah! Praise C Major and the Holy Root Chord! I was included, I felt like I belonged at a concert for perhaps the first time in my entire life. I danced with *MY* brothers and sisters. For the first time in my life I felt like my people, My Black People accepted me and loved me, without judgment or a qualification of being “Black Enough.” I was just enough. I was Black with them. They loved me. And I loved them. I didn’t feel like an outsider anymore. I felt acceptance and camaraderie and a magic that can only be expressed by love.

<3
Pam

Life isn't a tragedy, although we often paint it as one.

The past few weeks of my life have shown me hope, pain, frustration, depression, fear, loss, pity, sorrow and poverty.

But in the end, even when going without, we still have some essential things. The ability to cope, and the ability to start anew.

I once wrote that my life is an ongoing rebirth and journey of self-discovery.

It's not so much about self-discovery as it is about learning the same lessons over and over again, and trying not to repeat the wrong answers.

I'm over thinking simple things - and that suits me just fine right now.

The future is coming, and I'm prepared for it.

Are you?

Awesome every day,
Pam

for my new collection:

Currently (Fall 2008)
Completing collection: "Why don't you paint anymore?"

A diverse, yet related selection of paintings that answer why we ignore our passions and give ourselves excuses not to peruse what we love. Besides work, sleeping, eating and paying taxes, we have things that drive us. Things that we love. The passions that awaken us in the night and get us to go to a table or computer or notepad and work on it immediately. The things that we may possibly ignore because the rest of our lives are getting in the way. It comes from the question, and the answer is a burst of emotions that lay under a sky filled with your reasons why not.

Inspired mostly by the question, "Why don't you paint anymore," this collection is also inspired by a true story of an individual that was met one weekend evening. A friendly man in his early 40's who was singing karaoke. "I haven't sung in 20 years," the man said. "Singing is my love, but I gave it up for my wife." Abandoning one's passions for a new passion is more or less ignoring what truly drives you. Abandon your passions and you abandon yourself. So once asked, "Why don't you paint anymore," several times, the artist was driven not only to paint, but to answer the question using artwork, and hopefully to inspire others to drive after their passions.

The essential answer to "Why don't you ____ anymore?" for the artist is essentially, "Why the hell not?"

What is your answer? What is your "____?" And most importantly, why don't you do it anymore?

Thoughts? Suggestions? Praise? Constructive criticism?


awesome every day,
Pam

I haven't any right to complain about the financial woes or even the bullshit that I'm going through.

A friend of mine, who I care about very much is going through much worse. My good friend, ZB is having some heavy shit go down. I wish I could do something for her, but just like anything that happens that is beyond anyone's control, all you can do is hope for the best for her and her family.

So I hope that you guys who don't even know her will send out good wishes to her and her family.

In non-zomg-life-is-out-of-control news, my stress level has gone down considerably since the weekend.

My boyfriend is so supportive, and I'm learning better who my friends are and who I can trust. What a great feeling.

Non of my drama is people related, which is fucking magnificant. I remember when I had people drama coming out of my butt. I'm thankful that I don't have to deal with that.

In other news, I have internets at the domicile now. UPGRADE!

That's pretty much it.

Expect multitiudes of updates.

Awesome every day,
Pam

(I took the day off today, you guys)

I've been reading stuff about the relation between astrology and the great depression.

Apperently there related positions between a "Great Depression," and the planets/stars.

I read this: http://stariq.com/Main/Articles/P0000463.htm

Some details.

Every time the U.S. suffered through a great depression, Saturn was found in mid-Capricorn, square (90 degrees from) one of the "heavy" planets in mid-Aries. These heavies have been Uranus, Neptune, Pluto and Mars. When Saturn has arrived in mid-Capricorn without Pluto, Neptune, Uranus or Mars being in mid-Aries at the same time, no great depression has occurred.

right?

We'll also look at an ominous pattern due to become exact in 2014, a grand cross formed by Pluto in mid-Capricorn square Uranus in mid-Aries, and we'll look back in history for indications of what this one will bring.

I'm selling everything I own and I'm moving to paris.

awesome everyday,
Pam

Aquarius horoscope for today:

Your grandiose schemes seem to fall apart today for no good reason at all. You might even feel as if you can't maintain a clear perspective on what's happening. But you can, as long as you concentrate on working with the resistance and not against it. The more you fight what's in your way, the more strength you give it. Instead, be strong like a willow tree that bends in the wind.

This may as well be my fucking horoscope for the past 2 weeks.

They've been filled with anguish and frustration and me just not getting my goddamn way at any point whatsoever. Even when I do get my way, things still seem to crap on my face in the process.

It's like this: you're hungry and you go to the store to get stuff for mashed potatoes. All you want is mashed potatoes. And the person at the front says, "well we have stuff for mashed potatoes." They don't have real potatoes or real milk or real butter.

You end up with those fake-ass mashed potatoes from the rice isle, some powdered milk and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. And it all ends up costing you 10 times what you would have paid for just milk, potatoes and butter.

And you get home and a motherfucking windstorm cut your fucking electricity off, so you can't use your electric stove or microwave.

I can't believe this shit keeps happening to me. I don't even feel like eating fucking mashed potatoes anymore.

No, I don't want to talk about the particulars. I don't want to discuss a thing. It's none of the business of anyone on the internet.

Since I'm an optimist; let's look at the bright side of things and make a ten item list.

1. My friends are all still my friends
2. My boyfriend is genuinely supportive and understanding.
3. I don't have cancer or any tragically debilitating diseases.
4. I'm not in prison.
5. My cat is healthy.
6. I have a steady source of income.
7. I live in a low-cost city in these troubling financial times.
8. I'm still pretty smart.
9. My mommy loves me.
10. I'm still pretty. So I have that going for me.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR FUCKING MERCURY RETROGRADE TO GO AWAY. It's only been 3 weeks into when it "started," we've got about 2 and a half more to go.

I might be dead by then, the way things are progressing.

awesome (even today) everyday,
Pam

So a lot of crazy shit has happened to me in the past week.

I'm thinking about buying a 7,000 house just so I can stop paying rent sooner than later.

I've come to grips that with my inability to currently save money, I'm stuck in Louisville for a couple more years, so I'm embracing the community as best I can. If you're someone who can network, this sure as hell is the city to do it in. Everyone is very approachable, and once you approach them, they not only remember you, but want to help you out because you're a local.

Weird.

I'm slowly starting to understand why people who live here are so infatuated with the city. They're not infatuated with the architecture, or the 5 streets that have bars worth going to on them. They're not even excited about the 2 or 3 national acts that come here a year.

They're fucking stoked about the community and the people who live here.

Granted, there are quite a few hillbilly motherfuckers who live in this city. Like within the limits of Louisville proper, there's a huge community of poverty-line-living redneck motherfuckers who voted for bush twice and are campaigning for McCain. There are also quite a few poverty line living perma-hoodrats who could care less about doing more for themselves and simply accept meritocracy and strive to do nothing.

I'm not either of those groups. I'm like the people who are active downtown and throughout the city and want to do better for themselves as well as do better for people like themselves.

Anyway, I've been painting, and I've been talking to people who might want to hang my stuff up on their walls. My new collection surrounds and answers the question, "Why don't you paint anymore." It's mostly interpretive, some representational works have snuck their way in there... and some of it is kind of abstract, but it's my most regimented group of paintings yet.

I hope this is the group of paintings that gets me noticed.

They're still taking votes at artvsart.com!!

I really, really want to win. If the painting gets destroyed, I think I've decided that I have accepted it. Much like life, I realize that the nature of this competition means some beautiful things will die. I accept my own death, and I accept the death of my painting, if it may occur.

I have this job that I started recently. I have to say after less than 2 months of working there, that I loathe this job. I have hated jobs before, but I don't think I've hated a job that paid this much. It's a good paying job, but it's a lot of bullshit and an overwhelming amount of doing nothing. I'm an active person with an active mind, that's just a punishment, imo. Plus, I think there are some serious personality conflicts which will eventually cause me to say something that may very well get me fired anyway.

I'm going to discuss these things with the superiors who would like to see change occur, but I doubt that much will happen.

That being said:

So the hunt continues.

I hate looking for jobs. Hate, hate hate. It's tedious and takes a lot of effort. And even after you expend an assload of effort in finding and interviewing for a position, they still might not pick you.

Fuck.

Life is good, I suppose. I'm in a lot of debt and haven't been able to do a lot of stuff, including shopping, weblamer, lol. The reason that I really need the winnings from Art vs Art is because this summer I was unemployed, and had to wait a REALLY LONG TIME before my unemployment kicked in. So some bills went unpaid, because I had no savings :-(.

I have to catch back up on my student loan, and my car's wheel is actually so fucked up that it would cost me 500 bucks to replace my breaks on that one wheel. I actually need to replace all of my breaks. I also would like to give my car back or trade it in and get something smaller, like an aveo or something that gets like a million miles to a gallon.

Fuck cars. Seriously. They're much like children in that you pay for their upkeep and food and whatnot, but unlike a child which will become an adult and can eventually take care of you-- a car ends up becoming a drain, and you must dispose of it properly.

Ugh, and then there's the election. The election is kinda stressing me out because it's a 50 50 split between Obama and Mccain.

WHAT?

What the fuck is wrong with you people? And yeah, I said you people. You people who believe that a McCain/Palin administration is actually going to fix what's wrong with this country.

The last time a democrat was in office we had a fucking surplus.

I am 27 years old. 19 of those years have been spent with a republican in the seat of president. That's like 80 percent of my life which has been financial shit.

I really don't think I can survive another YEAR like this. Stop being fools. You're not wealth or even business owners. Stop fooling yourself into voting with your heart. Vote with your fucking pocketbooks and your brains. I'm sure you have them.

God. I'm normally not so angry about politics, but not only is this really stressing me out that I may have to live through 4 more years of bullshit, but my period is coming, I'm broke, my mom is nuts and dying, and I want to move out of my apartment complex.

GAH!

Well, I'm going to end this here, because I'm done ranting for today.

That is all.


Awesome every day,
Pam

Ps:
Please vote for my painting!!!!!!

I have a pretty painting that could earn me 3000 bucks.... and without your votes there's not only a chance I won't get that money... there's also a chance it could BE DESTROYED!!!

Here's how you can help both me and my pretty work of art.

Visit this site:

http://vote.artvsart.com/city/louisville

Go take a look at painting #9.

That one is mine.

Please vote for it!

I'm at a public computer right now so I can't link to the image... but it's of two women joining hands with the earth under their hands.

(you can use the search tool in the upper right hand corner to find number nine).

If you really like me and really wanna help me win that 3000 bucks (and a free trip to the far away and exotic Indianapolis, IN),  you can vote for my painting 3 times with one email address.

Please help!

Truthfully, I REALLY need that money. I would also like to get some exposure for my paintings as I'm creating a new collection, that I'll be done with mid-fall.

OMG EXCITING.

Anyway, any help would be appreciated. If you'd be willing to post this in your journal for your friends to see, I would love you forever. Thanks (BIG BIG THANKS!!!) to those of you I've already begged pathetically to vote, and to ask others to vote.


http://vote.artvsart.com/city/louisville
Thanks again!


Awesome everyday,
Pam

I'm feeling depressed.

( And here is where I write a Livejournal entry about self-image and some bullshit I'm going through. Read at your own risk. )

awesome every day,
Pam

So not only do taylor and I have a band, but it has a name AND a myspace.

Ha-cha-cha!

http://myspace.com/pamandtaylorawesomeband will take you to the land of face-rockage.

If you're still among those who haven't deleted their myspace, please add us. If you like how we sound, tell some friends about us. If you know someone with a serious music blog, holla atcha girl so that I can holla atcha friend.

We're still only playing open mic, but after a little coaxing by my mom and discussing a lot of different stuff with Taylor, action had to be taken!

Check us out!

Awesome every day,
Pam

So I have this ongoing habit of starting a livejournal entry when I really feel the urge to write, and then shortly thereafter, getting distracted and doing something else.

This leaves me with entries that never get posted, and you rarely see updates from me.

I actually write a lot more than is ever posted here, due to this habit.

I was reading Alli's update about Tropic Thunder. I usually feel the same way about movies as she does, so I'm excited to see it now, knowing that she enjoyed it.

My friend Masayo joined Facebook today. I think she has a daughter. She's only a couple of months older than I am. What's with this whole, Growing Up epidemic all of the sudden. The people around me approach this unknown of 30, and they start getting married, or even more seriously, getting pregnant.

I don't know if I'm excited to be able to remain immature and marginally irresponsible, or if I'm somewhat jealous.

The fact is that it's a combination of the two. I want to be able to continue to live in my 20's and have fun and do whatever I want, and have fun with my friends-- but at the same time, I want to know what it's like to be an adult and be a mommy and a wife.

But am I ready for any of that shit? Hell no. I'm not. I'm immature and child-like, and I'll probably be this way for a while. At some point I'm going to have the realization that I really want to be somebody's mom. For now, it's a nice fantasy to think of rearing a child and taking on that responsibility. Realistically I'm not ready to give that huge percentage of my life to someone who can't fend for themselves at all.

In other news, Taylor had his movie shown at a festival this weekend. It didn't go quite as how I'd expected. His movie was shown at 11am, which was the same time as the showing of a feature length film that was a big deal. The only people who saw Taylor's flim were Taylor, me and an older lady.

It was kind of weird.

We did end up seeing some good films, and I talked to some strangers about Taylor's movie, and hopefully made some contacts.

Also, I met this girl who does tattoos in Indiana, and she was really nice, and had a great body of work. LOL, get it?!?!? BODY OF WORK?

Well, anyway, her work looked really good, and her pricing seemed good, 40 dollar minimum and 150 per session maximum. I want to get a large piece done on my back. I really wanna get this done, I've been conceptionallizing this for sometime now.

Here's the full concept:

Snow Drops in the upper right hand corner of my back by my shoulder, in bloom, with tiny snowflakes coming out of the petals, increasing in focus to the viewer of the image. There would be 31 snowflakes in all... like they're coming forward. I also want to have small dots behind the snowflakes, kind of showing the direction of the breeze and they would be colored yellow, representing pollen.

What does all this bullshit mean to me? These are the relations:

I was born on January 31st. January's traditional flower is the Carnation (Which is a funeral flower and looks like something you'd throw away in drawings) but the other january flower is the Snowdrop.




Which is delicate in appearance, but it's hardy flower. I think that's a perfect flower for me, because my birthday is the day of poetic song, representing the lyrics that are said in a singsongy way that have breath of meaning, but people only hear the prettiness of the song.

The breeze of the pollen moving the snowflakes would be representative of the element of air, which is a part of Aquarius. Also I'd like to have the pollen moving through the snowflakes in a wavy line. In the end the drawing will look like the snowdrop is pouring out the snowflakes, like the celestial positioning of the water bearer.

The 31st is the rarest day to be born upon (Every month has 29 days, and I'm not getting all specific about February) and that number is pretty interesting. I already have the Aquarius symbol lower on my back, which is such an important part of how I view the world. It states my personality, and it states my identity.

Snowflakes in themselves are repetitive of winter and uniqueness, both things that I feel as though I represent.

Eventually, I think I might get the snowdrops leaves to surround up to my shoulder and reach down my right arm, and turn into a branch of orange blossoms. There's so much reason for me to get orange blossoms!




I was in love with orange blossom dolls (From strawberry shortcake) as a little girl, and had like 4 or 5 of them. I also like orange juice a lot, lol. But more importantly, and what carries more meaning, honey is traditionally a Greek product. Honey is made famously with the pollen of orange blossoms.

My first name, Pamela, is a Greek name, meaning Honey Pot, honey, or
">all sweet. I've also read some places that it means Little Elf, but that's a rarer interpritation. The breakdown I've seen most often is that it actually is a combination of two Greek words that mean, "very sweet."

What a cute name to give to your baby girl. Pam (Pan), is actually the part that breaks down to mean, "All." -Mella (Meli), or a similar pronunciation means "Sweet."

Oranges are also a big deal with No Doubt-- Their breakout album, Tragic Kingdom, and it's artwork within the booklet in the CD are a tribute to Orange County, where they're from in Anaheim. I think getting an orange blossom tattoo with perhaps a little bee behind one of them, pollinating it, and maybe dripping just a tiny bit of honey would be a really great tattoo once I get a taste of success with music.

My tattoos are representative of self, and the self discovery that I've done, and I want them to be soft and feminine. Eventually, if I do become a mommy, I would want to get representative tattoos of my kids. Maybe their signs, maybe aspects of their personalities as children. Maybe their names in a really amazing font if I come up with good ones.

This research is the fun part, and makes it worth something to me. My Aquarius tattoo is red, blue and yellow representing Fire, Water and Air, which are all a big part of my astrological chart.

I want another freakin' tattoo!!!

Awesome every day,
Pam

Hi there.

So I tried out for American Idol this week.

As I suspected I didn't get through to the next round. It mostly has to do with how I sounded like shit that day, (completely stir-fried and seasoned shit), have bad skin, am not someone who sings Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston, and I'm too fuckin' real for reality tv.

At least on American idol.

Anyway, I did have fun on Monday standing in line. It was an obnoxiously long line filled with thousands of people from as close as I came from (I live maybe 3 miles away from where auditions were held) and as far away as Africa. Seriously. Some American girl was living in Africa and came to American idol tryouts... in Kentucky (?).

I got the line behind me to do the Wave. It was amazing.

I will not try out for American Idol again. It's stressful, a very long day that starts very early, and it's demoralizing to see the pretty people plucked out of line.

I'm a pretty girl, but I'm not American idol's version of pretty, evidently.

I deleted my journal temporarily because I was paranoid about American Idol looking through my old entries. Do. Not. Want. I also realized that it's good for me personally that I didn't make it. Because I don't have to compromise myself.

I'm better off without Idol, but let me tell you, if I had gotten on the show and to California, it would have changed me.

And if I were to change, who else would you rely on to say Fuck randomly in polite company? :-D

Awesome every day,
Pam

So among other mildly disastrous things occurring in my everyday life lately, my car has chosen to go on strike. The battery pooped on itself because my alternator died. I also think I may need my spark plugs replaced.

Today is Friday, and that's a gem.

I've rekindled my friendship with partying, and am considering a potential career in professional partying. Not that I'd need to get inebriated for 40 hours a week, I'm saying that I'd like to party 40 hours a week. Two completely different things. And, boys and girls, I know how to party.

I'd also gladly take performing at parties, or to large crowds in place of a party. That's a party to me. It's fun.

Getting people excited and engaged is my favorite thing to do. Doing it at open mic and karaoke are only the beginning. These past few months have caused me to really take music seriously. I've always had a serious passion for music, but I've always been nervous to drop everything else in my life and go for music as a career.

I think that's completely related to how our society functions. The united states, your parents, and co-workers will always say, "You're so talented, but it's best if you focus on your real career. You're too smart to waste yourself on the entertainment business."

Really? Last I checked, being successful in any business or industry still depends greatly on your intellect, along with some level of natural aptitude for the applied skill.

What's really sad about that is that entertainment, or any of the arts for that matter, is overwhelmingly regarded as an all or nothing business. It's not like computers or medicine, or law, or journalism... where if you're not extremely successful, you're still successful.

Americans see entertainers as either successful, which equates to super-stardom, or failures who are struggling to get by and will never be successful-- and they may very well be making more annually than you are, with that lounge act, or their band's record sales on that indie label.

But we don't accommodate for that because we see music as all or nothing. Painting is all or nothing.

Or even worse, your creative talents are seen as nothing more than an enthusiastic hobby.

Geez.

Well I'm off to do other things now.

Later!

Awesome every day,
Pam

Finally, something other than my wishes knows what my wishes are.

Spread my wings and fly ;-)

AQUARIUS HORESCOPE FOR THIS WEEK:

A powerful emotional event with a friend or group you belong to could be in the offing early this week, thanks to Wednesday's Full Moon in your 11th House. Another way this could shake out is that you experience a paradigm-busting realization of just how important a certain dream or life goal is to you, and realize that if you want to achieve this goal you may need to pursue it with a lot more devotion than you've previously mustered. Your career and reputation are at the forefront of your mind at this Full Moon and you may also feel quite deeply that the time has come to limit your association with friends, acquaintances, and coworkers who are not supporting you in reaching your full potential. Mercury's return to direct motion on Thursday in your 5th House of creativity, children and self-expression makes you feel even more excited about the potential of an enjoyable endeavor in this area of your life. Don't be surprised if you start to exhibit an uncanny ability to bring a wide array of past skills and learnings to bear on a current project and put them to use in a masterful way.

I used to write poetry about how BADLY I wanted to see with eyes unclouded. How I couldn't see the future, but I yearned for it so freaking badly.

Well I can see. My eyes are open. The shit is in the toilet and I finally flushed.

I feel poetry in my heart today, and it makes my soul well up with tears of joy like it's been owed to me for years.

I felt something today. I felt it yesterday, and I felt it the day before. I'm so excited about just living life that it finally feels incredible.

I lost 5 pounds.

I gained this crazy insight, and I've never had anything like this.

I know what I want to be when I grow up, and it's the only thing that'll make me happy, but in the meantime I have to be a grown up, and I'm perfectly okay with that.

It happened.

My grown-up epiphany happened. And there's about to be a fuckload of awesome dropped on your laps. Get excited about that shit, because I sure as hell am.

I'm going to go home and drink wine and paint, and sing with my heart.

Awesome every day,
Pam

Hay boys and girls-

So last night, Taylor and I went to and performed at open mic for the first time.

We went to a joint called Perkfection, located in Jeffersonville Indiana, which is a comfortable distance away from a Waffle House. It's actually quite a fine and dandy place. Very large for a coffee house, and they server beer, liquor, and during the day have a full kitchen that can cook all sorts of stuff.

Anyway, there's a poetry open mic there monthly, and there was a special open mic & special event thing last night that was pretty swanky.

So Taylor got wind of it from the internets, and since we've been practicing since mid-march, we figured we could do this.

I was unexpectedly nervous... like all day. Then we went to the place, did our songs, and it was a lot of fun. I really enjoy addressing a crowd, and I like to sing. I was really super nervous though. I'm so used to karaoke, and having the safety net of the lyrics on a tv screen.

But just singing a song was very free, and very awesome. It was fun, more than anything, really.

We shall do it again, and next time, there might be pictures, and/or forewarning that we're gonna do it.

Awesome everyday,
Pam

Just a girl by no doubt. Srrsly.

For months I've been thinking to myself, it's been a while since I ate some Chicken Pot Pie.

I like the crust, I like the chicken pieces and I like the peas and carrots and other shit inside.

89 cent Chicken pot pies were a Saturday morning thing for me as a kid. They were easy to make, and cheap.

I wish life was chicken pot pie easy. Gas prices are elevating hundreds of times faster than the natural rate of inflation, and groceries are following suit.

It's uncomfortable.

But things in life get crazy every once and a while, and I suppose this is the period of my generation that's just gonna have to suck balls.

Luckily for my own, direct future, things aren't as terrible as I make them out to be in conversation. I over dramaticize it because my stomach is panging for some end-of-the world style shit. This is not the end of the world, and there will not be any post-apocalyptic events occurring in Louisville Kentucky.

Believe that.

If anyone was going to blow something up that someone cared about, blowing up Louisville is not going to accomplish that goal. We'd be missing some horses and jockeys. That's about it.

Speaking of which, I have had my complete fill of Louisville Kentucky as a city to live in.

Totally full.

You can see the entire city in a day, and living in it everyday really emphasizes that.

This is a city for people who do not like cities.

I like cities, thus I hate it here. I hate the way people drive, I hate the lack of shit to do and I hate how fucking small-town it is here.

Everyone knows you, or knows someone that knows you. After having worked at 2 larger employers in the Louisville area, I know maybe 1/2 the population of the city.

That's not true, but it really feels that way.

I appreciate the anonymity living in a large city offers. I don't like striking up a conversation with people at the Laundromat or in the supermarket. If I quit or was fired from a job, I don't really feel like giving you all the details of why I left. If I didn't tell you then, guess what? I'm not telling you now.

I do not appreciate your feigned concern about my situation, which is just fine thank you. Nor your attempts at southern kindness, "If you need anything just give me a call."

Asshole, I don't even know you. I didn't enjoy you then, and I don't now. I won't be calling you. No.. don't take out your cell phone. Oh well I don't know my number by heart and left my phone in the car. Oh god, you're writing your phone number down for me. Jesus Christ, okay. Yes, I'll tell whoever I'm still friends with that you said hi, because they don't like your ass either.



You don't have to feel bad about not saying hi when you spot me on the street... if you don't really know me that well. That's quite alright. I won't be offended.

Anyway, I've been thinking about moving. I want to move to New York or somewhere on the east coast. I'd like to live somewhere that has a great subway system, and you're not glued to your car to get from work to home in a timely manner.

I've been a little pessimistic lately, because the reality is that gas keeps going up up up, and I still haven't bought myself a chicken pot pie.

But you wanna know some crazy shit?

All this weird shit is going on in my life, and the economy is taking a shit in everyone's salad. But while this is occurring, I'm having this fantastic love life.

It's really everything that I asked for, and I keep questioning when shit is going to start fucking up.

Taylor and I always have a lot of fun, and we like each other as people. We have simliar interests, and although we disagree ... we don't have heated arguments. Like we'll argue about shit, but it doesn't feel like an argument. It's civil.

It also helps that he's a libra, and when I'm being stubborn, he'll just say some shit like, "We shouldn't be arguing about something petty," and then I'll see his logic and start talking about something else.

And you guys, He listens. He listens to me while I'm talking 110 WPM.

If you've never met me, know that if I'm in a good mood, I talk a lot. I really don't shut up. There's just so much stuff that I want to say, and I want everyone to hear it.

And yes, I do enjoy the sound of my own voice.

But Taylor will sit there and just listen to me talk. He'll interject and add opinions or make statements, but he really is listening.

I've never felt like a boy was actually listening to me before. I mean, i would talk. I'm aggressively verbal. I really don't shut the hell up, you guys. But I doubted that they were actually listening.

I really love him. A whole lot. And this is a wonderful place to be, because I don't feel like he's a beacon of hope or something to be idolized. He's just a really good friend who I absolutely adore.

Oh and sex too. The sex? Oh man. Sex is really good. Phenomenal. Best performances ever, you guys.

I was going to write an entry about Sex a few weeks ago. I was really inspired because some earth-shattering shit happened, but then I realized.. I'm an adult, and this shit actually is private.

I have this exhibitionist in my soul that wants to tell the entire world whenever I'm happy, sad, pleased, indifferent or I just took a great shit. But I've come to a point in my adult life where I don't feel the need to go about smearing my sexscapades all over north america.

Awesome every day,
Pam

Hey You guys!

So I sold some art this past week.

I'm so stoked that I'm going to share this with you wonderful LiveJournal People as well.

As it says on my site (http://awesome-everyday.com/artwork.aspx) Errything is on sale for $50 USD, and that includes shipping. Even if you're not an American. That's pretty generous considering that the US dollar is worth like 1/3rd of a euro. :-)

I'm selling stuff! And that's really damn exciting!!!



( OMGZ U GUYS! MOAR PICS UNDER TEH CUT! )

If you're interested in buying, or have any questions, please use the contact us form on my website (awesome-everyday.com).

If you know people who like kinda abstract-y art, please pass on the link, because I would like to continue making pretty things to make people smile.... and help supplement my ability to pay my bills on time. :-)

Awesome everyday,
Pam