I’ll be honest, I never felt included in what is assumed by other Black people to be Black culture.

I’ve always felt like an outsider, even from a very young age. Before I discovered rock music or before I cared to dye my hair pink— before I thought being a musician was a viable option— I was different.

At the very basis of my being, I’m a weirdo-outsider. Everything that exists in my life I have to explain to people, as there’s nothing simple about me. I’m from West Philly, but I spoke like a suburban kid. I was really tall for my age. I liked to read instead of jumping double Dutch. I liked computers instead of sneakers. I was home schooled. I have that weird parental lineage thing going on. I started going to College when I was 13 going on 14. I even have to explain myself to people when I sneeze.

A lot of this explanation started when I was young. Most conversations were inspired by other neighborhood kids who didn’t or couldn’t understand me. I was anomaly. I was born and raised in the middle of West Philadelphia, but I spoke very, “White,” as defined by the neighbor kids. They would ask me questions while we sat on the front steps of my row-home: “Are you from the country?” “Why you talk like that?”

I always loved music. I loved music from the very beginning of my life. I would sing songs, make up songs, and sing along with whatever was playing. My mother and I had a very musical household when I was young. She would listen to music and we would dance and sing in the living room and upset the neighbors with how loud Jimi Hendrix was. I would rock the hell out in my room as a little kid to Paula, Michael and Janet. I loved MTV in the 80’s and I embraced 80’s style as a little kid. My mom let me pick out my own clothes, and I selected my own outfits in the morning. I would wear 3 pairs of different colored socks, and bright neon clothes at around 6 or 7.

As a tween and teenager, I discovered grunge and alternative rock. What a miracle! Rock music was very much a part of my life. I lived for the local Alternative Rock station, WDRE. The music was a part of my life, and I was a part of the music. I embraced the grunge culture (maybe a little too much), I wore old hand-me-down flannel given to me by my grandfather, and beat up jeans I’d had since I was 12. Nirvana, Screaming Trees, Pearl Jam, Alanis Morisette, Nine Inch Nails and eventually No Doubt became a defining factor in who I would become as an adult, at least musically.

Still, I felt like an outsider. My friends didn’t really care about music, and the music they did like was more traditionally black. Rap. Hip-hop.

Now as an adult, I am still explaining myself to people, but in a more indirect way. People don’t come out and say, “Why do you talk like that, Black Person, you are Black, that doesn’t make any sense,” or “Oh, your band isn’t some kind of soul/R&B/funk thing? That surprises me because you are Black, and Black people don’t normally do rock music.”
I listen to rock music and create rock music.

And only a few months ago, I was internally bleeding from my desire to hear more from other black rock bands. I wanted to see where the people like me were. I was exhausted from a lifelong isolation. Isolation due to who I am- Isolated from the people who are like who I am, and everyone else as well.

Then I randomly discovered Afro Punk. It was like finding Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, Moses— the Messenger of the word in which I believed came to me in the form of a Festival and website! Provided by people who looked like me. Performed by people who looked like me. Attended by people who looked like me. Hallelujah! Praise C Major and the Holy Root Chord! I was included, I felt like I belonged at a concert for perhaps the first time in my entire life. I danced with *MY* brothers and sisters. For the first time in my life I felt like my people, My Black People accepted me and loved me, without judgment or a qualification of being “Black Enough.” I was just enough. I was Black with them. They loved me. And I loved them. I didn’t feel like an outsider anymore. I felt acceptance and camaraderie and a magic that can only be expressed by love.

<3
Pam

Life isn't a tragedy, although we often paint it as one.

The past few weeks of my life have shown me hope, pain, frustration, depression, fear, loss, pity, sorrow and poverty.

But in the end, even when going without, we still have some essential things. The ability to cope, and the ability to start anew.

I once wrote that my life is an ongoing rebirth and journey of self-discovery.

It's not so much about self-discovery as it is about learning the same lessons over and over again, and trying not to repeat the wrong answers.

I'm over thinking simple things - and that suits me just fine right now.

The future is coming, and I'm prepared for it.

Are you?

Awesome every day,
Pam

for my new collection:

Currently (Fall 2008)
Completing collection: "Why don't you paint anymore?"

A diverse, yet related selection of paintings that answer why we ignore our passions and give ourselves excuses not to peruse what we love. Besides work, sleeping, eating and paying taxes, we have things that drive us. Things that we love. The passions that awaken us in the night and get us to go to a table or computer or notepad and work on it immediately. The things that we may possibly ignore because the rest of our lives are getting in the way. It comes from the question, and the answer is a burst of emotions that lay under a sky filled with your reasons why not.

Inspired mostly by the question, "Why don't you paint anymore," this collection is also inspired by a true story of an individual that was met one weekend evening. A friendly man in his early 40's who was singing karaoke. "I haven't sung in 20 years," the man said. "Singing is my love, but I gave it up for my wife." Abandoning one's passions for a new passion is more or less ignoring what truly drives you. Abandon your passions and you abandon yourself. So once asked, "Why don't you paint anymore," several times, the artist was driven not only to paint, but to answer the question using artwork, and hopefully to inspire others to drive after their passions.

The essential answer to "Why don't you ____ anymore?" for the artist is essentially, "Why the hell not?"

What is your answer? What is your "____?" And most importantly, why don't you do it anymore?

Thoughts? Suggestions? Praise? Constructive criticism?


awesome every day,
Pam

I haven't any right to complain about the financial woes or even the bullshit that I'm going through.

A friend of mine, who I care about very much is going through much worse. My good friend, ZB is having some heavy shit go down. I wish I could do something for her, but just like anything that happens that is beyond anyone's control, all you can do is hope for the best for her and her family.

So I hope that you guys who don't even know her will send out good wishes to her and her family.

In non-zomg-life-is-out-of-control news, my stress level has gone down considerably since the weekend.

My boyfriend is so supportive, and I'm learning better who my friends are and who I can trust. What a great feeling.

Non of my drama is people related, which is fucking magnificant. I remember when I had people drama coming out of my butt. I'm thankful that I don't have to deal with that.

In other news, I have internets at the domicile now. UPGRADE!

That's pretty much it.

Expect multitiudes of updates.

Awesome every day,
Pam

(I took the day off today, you guys)

I've been reading stuff about the relation between astrology and the great depression.

Apperently there related positions between a "Great Depression," and the planets/stars.

I read this: http://stariq.com/Main/Articles/P0000463.htm

Some details.

Every time the U.S. suffered through a great depression, Saturn was found in mid-Capricorn, square (90 degrees from) one of the "heavy" planets in mid-Aries. These heavies have been Uranus, Neptune, Pluto and Mars. When Saturn has arrived in mid-Capricorn without Pluto, Neptune, Uranus or Mars being in mid-Aries at the same time, no great depression has occurred.

right?

We'll also look at an ominous pattern due to become exact in 2014, a grand cross formed by Pluto in mid-Capricorn square Uranus in mid-Aries, and we'll look back in history for indications of what this one will bring.

I'm selling everything I own and I'm moving to paris.

awesome everyday,
Pam

Aquarius horoscope for today:

Your grandiose schemes seem to fall apart today for no good reason at all. You might even feel as if you can't maintain a clear perspective on what's happening. But you can, as long as you concentrate on working with the resistance and not against it. The more you fight what's in your way, the more strength you give it. Instead, be strong like a willow tree that bends in the wind.

This may as well be my fucking horoscope for the past 2 weeks.

They've been filled with anguish and frustration and me just not getting my goddamn way at any point whatsoever. Even when I do get my way, things still seem to crap on my face in the process.

It's like this: you're hungry and you go to the store to get stuff for mashed potatoes. All you want is mashed potatoes. And the person at the front says, "well we have stuff for mashed potatoes." They don't have real potatoes or real milk or real butter.

You end up with those fake-ass mashed potatoes from the rice isle, some powdered milk and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. And it all ends up costing you 10 times what you would have paid for just milk, potatoes and butter.

And you get home and a motherfucking windstorm cut your fucking electricity off, so you can't use your electric stove or microwave.

I can't believe this shit keeps happening to me. I don't even feel like eating fucking mashed potatoes anymore.

No, I don't want to talk about the particulars. I don't want to discuss a thing. It's none of the business of anyone on the internet.

Since I'm an optimist; let's look at the bright side of things and make a ten item list.

1. My friends are all still my friends
2. My boyfriend is genuinely supportive and understanding.
3. I don't have cancer or any tragically debilitating diseases.
4. I'm not in prison.
5. My cat is healthy.
6. I have a steady source of income.
7. I live in a low-cost city in these troubling financial times.
8. I'm still pretty smart.
9. My mommy loves me.
10. I'm still pretty. So I have that going for me.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR FUCKING MERCURY RETROGRADE TO GO AWAY. It's only been 3 weeks into when it "started," we've got about 2 and a half more to go.

I might be dead by then, the way things are progressing.

awesome (even today) everyday,
Pam

So a lot of crazy shit has happened to me in the past week.

I'm thinking about buying a 7,000 house just so I can stop paying rent sooner than later.

I've come to grips that with my inability to currently save money, I'm stuck in Louisville for a couple more years, so I'm embracing the community as best I can. If you're someone who can network, this sure as hell is the city to do it in. Everyone is very approachable, and once you approach them, they not only remember you, but want to help you out because you're a local.

Weird.

I'm slowly starting to understand why people who live here are so infatuated with the city. They're not infatuated with the architecture, or the 5 streets that have bars worth going to on them. They're not even excited about the 2 or 3 national acts that come here a year.

They're fucking stoked about the community and the people who live here.

Granted, there are quite a few hillbilly motherfuckers who live in this city. Like within the limits of Louisville proper, there's a huge community of poverty-line-living redneck motherfuckers who voted for bush twice and are campaigning for McCain. There are also quite a few poverty line living perma-hoodrats who could care less about doing more for themselves and simply accept meritocracy and strive to do nothing.

I'm not either of those groups. I'm like the people who are active downtown and throughout the city and want to do better for themselves as well as do better for people like themselves.

Anyway, I've been painting, and I've been talking to people who might want to hang my stuff up on their walls. My new collection surrounds and answers the question, "Why don't you paint anymore." It's mostly interpretive, some representational works have snuck their way in there... and some of it is kind of abstract, but it's my most regimented group of paintings yet.

I hope this is the group of paintings that gets me noticed.

They're still taking votes at artvsart.com!!

I really, really want to win. If the painting gets destroyed, I think I've decided that I have accepted it. Much like life, I realize that the nature of this competition means some beautiful things will die. I accept my own death, and I accept the death of my painting, if it may occur.

I have this job that I started recently. I have to say after less than 2 months of working there, that I loathe this job. I have hated jobs before, but I don't think I've hated a job that paid this much. It's a good paying job, but it's a lot of bullshit and an overwhelming amount of doing nothing. I'm an active person with an active mind, that's just a punishment, imo. Plus, I think there are some serious personality conflicts which will eventually cause me to say something that may very well get me fired anyway.

I'm going to discuss these things with the superiors who would like to see change occur, but I doubt that much will happen.

That being said:

So the hunt continues.

I hate looking for jobs. Hate, hate hate. It's tedious and takes a lot of effort. And even after you expend an assload of effort in finding and interviewing for a position, they still might not pick you.

Fuck.

Life is good, I suppose. I'm in a lot of debt and haven't been able to do a lot of stuff, including shopping, weblamer, lol. The reason that I really need the winnings from Art vs Art is because this summer I was unemployed, and had to wait a REALLY LONG TIME before my unemployment kicked in. So some bills went unpaid, because I had no savings :-(.

I have to catch back up on my student loan, and my car's wheel is actually so fucked up that it would cost me 500 bucks to replace my breaks on that one wheel. I actually need to replace all of my breaks. I also would like to give my car back or trade it in and get something smaller, like an aveo or something that gets like a million miles to a gallon.

Fuck cars. Seriously. They're much like children in that you pay for their upkeep and food and whatnot, but unlike a child which will become an adult and can eventually take care of you-- a car ends up becoming a drain, and you must dispose of it properly.

Ugh, and then there's the election. The election is kinda stressing me out because it's a 50 50 split between Obama and Mccain.

WHAT?

What the fuck is wrong with you people? And yeah, I said you people. You people who believe that a McCain/Palin administration is actually going to fix what's wrong with this country.

The last time a democrat was in office we had a fucking surplus.

I am 27 years old. 19 of those years have been spent with a republican in the seat of president. That's like 80 percent of my life which has been financial shit.

I really don't think I can survive another YEAR like this. Stop being fools. You're not wealth or even business owners. Stop fooling yourself into voting with your heart. Vote with your fucking pocketbooks and your brains. I'm sure you have them.

God. I'm normally not so angry about politics, but not only is this really stressing me out that I may have to live through 4 more years of bullshit, but my period is coming, I'm broke, my mom is nuts and dying, and I want to move out of my apartment complex.

GAH!

Well, I'm going to end this here, because I'm done ranting for today.

That is all.


Awesome every day,
Pam

Ps:
Please vote for my painting!!!!!!

I have a pretty painting that could earn me 3000 bucks.... and without your votes there's not only a chance I won't get that money... there's also a chance it could BE DESTROYED!!!

Here's how you can help both me and my pretty work of art.

Visit this site:

http://vote.artvsart.com/city/louisville

Go take a look at painting #9.

That one is mine.

Please vote for it!

I'm at a public computer right now so I can't link to the image... but it's of two women joining hands with the earth under their hands.

(you can use the search tool in the upper right hand corner to find number nine).

If you really like me and really wanna help me win that 3000 bucks (and a free trip to the far away and exotic Indianapolis, IN),  you can vote for my painting 3 times with one email address.

Please help!

Truthfully, I REALLY need that money. I would also like to get some exposure for my paintings as I'm creating a new collection, that I'll be done with mid-fall.

OMG EXCITING.

Anyway, any help would be appreciated. If you'd be willing to post this in your journal for your friends to see, I would love you forever. Thanks (BIG BIG THANKS!!!) to those of you I've already begged pathetically to vote, and to ask others to vote.


http://vote.artvsart.com/city/louisville
Thanks again!


Awesome everyday,
Pam

I'm feeling depressed.

( And here is where I write a Livejournal entry about self-image and some bullshit I'm going through. Read at your own risk. )

awesome every day,
Pam